Freedom of Science

In a paper just posted to the arxiv a well-known string theorist claims that String Theory has finally made a hard scientific prediction and that this prediction is now confirmed by experiments. This incredible claim is causing quite a buzz in the scientific community. The claim is that String Theory predicts two new solutions as part of the Multiverse and that these predicted universes have been proved to exist. They are called Heaven and Hell.

1. Anthropic solutions

The author claims that when he carefully fine-tuned the two well-known parameters H and H’ Heaven and Hell popped up as natural solutions. In his 700-page seminal paper the author proves in great detail that Heaven and Hell exist and that Hell is very hot and Heaven has a very anthropic temperature. Balmy weather in Heaven proves that only humans could have created such a favorable environment with just the right temperature. Without humans Heaven could not have existed therefore String Theory now has an experimental proof.

2. Historical evidence

Further evidence comes from String Theory literature. Historical evidence shows that anti-string skeptics of previous generations doubted even the father of String Theory, the great poet Homer. In his classic paper on Trojan Wars Homer recounted original String Mythologies developed by Agamemnon and Clytemnestra when they were scientific collaborators before Agamemnon’s departure. Although she never won a Nobel Prize in physics Clytemnestra is still recognized as the goddess of theoretical physics. She is the original praiseworthy dreamer of hallucinatory string scenarios. When Agamemnon learned about Quantum Loop Gravity from Trojans and upon his return tried to convert his wife to Quantum Loop Gravity he met his tragic end.

In 1870 of our era an ingenious string theorist called Heinrich Schliemann effected the first string revolution when he discovered Troy and proved that Homer’s nascent stringy theories were correct. Flash back to today: In our time too there are anti-String skeptics who question the physical reality of Heaven and Hell in order to belittle the most fundamental scientific prediction ever made by scientists. The skeptics are now proved wrong and sent to Hell.

3. Unification

According to String Theory, Hell is populated mainly by enemies of String Theory sent there by executive orders issued by Doctor Motl when he enjoyed Harvardian authority to do so. Heaven is where String Theorists live forever, mainly sent there by themselves. Thus, the highly successful Multiverse Conjecture has already yielded a strong scientific evidence by predicting the existence of Heaven and Hell which is experimentally verified by mathematics of String Theory. This is the end of science as we know it. The only thing remaining to do is to unify Heaven and Hell with a Theory of Everything. This is the Holy Grail of Scientific Careers.

4. Rival theories

There are two rival theories for the scientific unification of Heaven and Hell. One group of theoreticians says that unification will happen when Hell freezes over. The classical Lagrangian with a string action naturally yields the thermodynamics of frozen hell solutions with more than enough absurdities to fulfill the careers of millions of future string theorists.

At present the most popular problem on which everyone is working is what theorists labeled Compactly Hierarchical Renormalized Dimensions Problem. This problem was the proposed solution to the Compactly Hierarchical Renormalized Dimensions Conjecture. Brian Greene, the prophet of popularization, explains this difficult theoretical concept to book buying public as follows:

In Frozen Hell solutions theorists must renormalize the cosmological constant by standard methods that have not so far yielded compactified solutions for regular 11 dimensions of String Theory. Since this appears to contradict at least one of the canonical Mach Principles, General Relativity may be offended and will need to be propitiated by sacrificing some additional rationalism to it. Rationalism does not exist in physics in its rational state and must be imported from science and therefore, etc, etc.

For further fascinating discussions on this topic you must buy Greene’s book. It is a global bestseller of scholastic ruminations sprinkled with harmless decorative equations.

5. Susskind black holes

Group II proposes to unify Heaven and Hell by fitting them into a black hole. This is really, I mean really, a very elegant idea that no physicist thought of before and even the rival Frozen Hell theorists secretly love it. You may wonder, Is there anything left that physicists have not yet considered to be a black hole? Well, here’s your answer: Heaven and Hell. Even Heaven and Hell are no longer safe from the corrupting reach of doctors of physics.

According to M-Theory both Heaven and Hell live inside a special type of anthropic black hole that Susskind invented just for this purpose. In Susskind black holes gravitons are sinless particles called gabriels who shuttle information between Heaven and Hell. It turns out that — and this cannot be a coincidence — gabriels answer the question “Who ordered that?” Their answer is not unexpected: Gods. Physicists are pretty satisfied with themselves that their own creations recognize their divine status. According to deep calculations further news of gabriels will be delivered to general public by the Large Hadron Collider.

6. The newest God particles

Gabriels work energetically within the Bekenstein bound of Hell to save many varieties of Susskind Black Hole Scenarios so far invented by physicists but Hawking radiation that Hell is supposed to emit has not so far been observed by any census takers in Heaven. So whether hell has hair turns out to be a major conjecture. Now a third rival group has been formed within string theory in order to investigate this very problem. In this third scenario gabriels are not particles at all but they are zero dimensional strings. Yes! Group III is a nostalgic retro movement reaching back to the roots of the original string theory invented in pre-historic academic times now long forgotten. Their signature sophistry is that Heaven and Hell are membranes obeying well understood textbook properties of classical string theory and there is no need to invent new physics.

Talking about classical, it goes without saying that in the classical limit Heaven and Hell reduce to Newtonian mechanics. Good old Newton was the original doctor who made the study of Heaven and Hell a legitimate scientific subject by proving in his great Principia that absolute time and absolute space are the two inherent properties of physical worlds such as Heaven and Hell. Theological Mechanics was as popular in Newton’s time as it is today.

7. Intelligent Design v. String theory

The paper we have been discussing reveals the existence of Heaven and Hell as physical universes that can be studied scientifically by elegant mathematics of String Theory. This revelation has caused a major stir in Intelligent Design community. ID doctors say they have always known the Schwarzschild radius of Hell by divine revelation and they don’t need String Doctors to reveal it to them. So what’s the big deal? Well, arrogant String Doctors are impinging on the territory of ID doctors to provoke a fight. A lot of good careers are expected to be made from this potentially classic academic turf wars between two species of doctors.

ShareThis