Fortune Cookie Universe
Published by admin December 27th, 2006 in Physics, Doctors of PhilosophyThis is a question I received from a Physicist. Please help him.
Dear Freedom of Science,
I know your site is visited by the best physicists in the world to enjoy the best science writing available in the Internet. I am hoping that one of your readers will help me answer my question. Here it is: Is there a comprehensive and authoritative list of analogical universes proposed by physicists?
I know that the universe already conforms to the following analogies: pancake, raisin bun, football and soccer ball.
I have written a paper proposing that the universe is a fortune cookie. I have all the philosophy, phenomenology, and mathematics right. But I want to make sure that this theory has not been proposed before.
To me the universe cannot be anything other than a fortune cookie because humans are the only creatures who can produce meaningful messages. The cookie part is the universe and the message inside the cookie represents humanity. This theory is why the anthropic principle was invented in the first place. Topologically a fortune cookie is flat. Each cookie is a membrane which lives in your favorite spacetimes.
Mathematically everything works out great. My fortune cookies come in all of the flavors of the String Theory, all of the flavors of General Relativity, all of the flavors of Quantum Mechanics, all of the flavors of Quantum Gravity and all of the flavors of Theories of Everything ever invented by any physicist. Fortunately, fortune cookie formalism is the only framework which could unify physics and this goal has now been achieved. The great idea here is the discovery of a new meta-theory which would absorb all of physics instead of trying to connect incompatible compartments of physics.
Fortune cookie model also works with the entire gamut of cosmological models and cosmological constants. You can leave the cosmological constant in or out. The default value of the cosmological constant is zero plus or minus plus or minus infinity. Fortune cookie universe makes all of the predictions of the cosmic background radiation and it predicts the Big Crunch and it is fully compatible with the Standard Model. I put in an option such that when standard model is junked my fortune cookie model will still be valid. My theory is even compatible with Newton’s laws and any modified Newton’s laws anyone could possibly come up with.
Fortune cookie equations of motion explains Mercury’s annoying rebellion with or without the help of general relativity. The theory is so far reaching that it is truly a Theory of Everything. To cover all contingencies the fortune cookie universe reduces to a theory of nothing at the relativistic limit. This is the famous Einstein-DeSitter fortune cookie which does not contain a fortune or cookie.
You can predict any dimensions with fortune cookies. If you love 11 dimensions and can’t live without them you’ll love my fortune cookie action called goto-cookie flavored action. 11 dimensional fortune cookies is a standard feature of this theory, not an add-on. All dimensions come already curled up in neat theoretical bundles. Either use them or sweep them under the rug depending on experimental constraints. Fortune cookie theory gives total freedom to the user.
If you prefer one dimensional worlds those are supported too. In this model a one dimensional dog will not fall apart. All of the paradoxes involving dead cats and devils and barbers and tortoises are also resolved most elegantly. You can ask my theory what’s on TV tonight and it will predict that too. Therefore this is both a pragmatic and experimental theory. This theory is backward compatible with every conjectures, scenarios and principles ever defined.
Mathematics of fortune cookie universe is elegantly complicated. I left a lot of room for everyone to get involved and keep publishing papers on fortune cookie dynamics. All of the parameters are infinitely fine tuneable. The fortune cookie theory practically writes perfect academic papers itself. This is how well designed fortune cookie universe is. Don’t end your career without having a fortune cookie paper of your own.
Fortune cookie universe supports multiple universes and baby universes and herself is pregnant with a giant book contract. This book contract includes all of the alternative universes not only this one. So imagine the possibilities and the book tour you have to endure. So much fun, huh!
If you are into reading the mind of god this theory is for you too. If you happen to find out that god does not think in string theory formalism don’t you worry. You don’t need to know in what language god thinks. You don’t even need to think yourself. Fortune cookie theory allows you to write your own version of what god thinks about. This way you can read the mind of god even if you are totally illiterate. This is exciting scientific stuff. Everything works out great. But please let me know if this has been proposed by another physicist. If so I would change the skin of the theory so that I can submit it to Nature as a new theory.
Yours truly,
A physicist
3 Responses to “Fortune Cookie Universe”
- 1 Pingback on May 21st, 2007 at 6:26 pm
- 2 Trackback on Jun 5th, 2007 at 7:39 am
Yeah! I heard about this theory. No big deal. The math is no way as elegant as he claims. His action is not new. I wouldn’t switch to this theory even though it has a potentially cute title that the media may fancy. So I am sitting on the fence for now.
What I like about it though is that Fortune Cookie Theory (FCT) comes in three states already built in: Right, Wrong, and Not Even Wrong. So all of the states are valid. As a physicist you can choose to work on the Wrong FCT, or the Right FCT or the Not Even Wrong FCT. Since all three states are invariant in all transformations it doesn’t make sense to prefer one over the other. None of them is a preferred state. So this is very clever. After all, you don’t discriminate against spin 1 theories versus spin 2 theories, or, do you? You don’t discriminate against an up quark versus a down quark, right? Same thing. Why discriminate against a theory because it is wrong? Now you can’t, even if you tried.
I think this aspect of FCT makes it a truly modern theory for our modern times with our love for diversity and all that. Therefore author’s claim that FCT unifies physics is also true. The great civil war physics is in right now is over. Physics is unified. There is no reason to fight if string theory is right or wrong or not even wrong. This theory brings peace. I hear that even Lubos is ready to make peace and is writing a paper stating that FCT formalism is the long awaited new revolution in string theory. I think he is waiting approval from Princeton.
I will submit my paper later tomorrow. FCT is a good seed for papers. It is fun. Try it.
Cheers!
Al Newton